Pakistan, 2021 – If there’s one thing that is distinct on the streets of Pakistan, it is the amount of advertising targeted towards women. Clothes and clothes, personal care, umpteen number of milk brands, household items and the likes. My social media targets me well, selling me all of the just mentioned items. It is common around the world. There’s a constant sense of responsibility on the woman. In the South Asian society, there’s a different kind of pressure on her. She ensures she looks good. She looks after the household. She makes decisions or is significantly influential when it comes to home purchasing. Then there’s a lot of family oriented advertising that aspires to the ultimate respectful family unit of the Pakistani society, the dignity and respect of which the woman holds the key to. So one would assume, no matter how traditional a society is, she is treated with respect and valued for the place she holds as a woman.
But the weight of this responsibility has taken its toll. Women have been weighed down by the sharpness of their voices, the length of their hairs, the curves of their bodies, the strength in their hips, by the beauty that defines them for who they are; women. And too many of us, dead now, have lived lives in debt to the strong foothold of patriarchy and misogyny.
Having had the privilege of being raised in a safe cosmopolitan country where the fear of law exists, I did not wholly understand the expanse of this issue. My parents enabled me to become independent in this ever-changing world. Even then, since childhood to the recent past, I’ve had my fair share of emotional and physical abuse, and it’s sad that I call it fair share when there shouldn’t be any share. I moved to Pakistan recently and having lived here for long enough, I now understand that there indeed is a different world here when it comes to women and their security. For women coming from different regions and class, it is a complex society. There is a format that she must adhere to.
One has to fend for herself since the time of her birth. The first breath itself is an apology for being born. And if you are not born into a community where girls are murdered or married young for just being girls, then you will be told for the rest of your life on how to behave because having you is a liability. If it is not reminded to you every day, it is an understood and unspoken fact that is woven into the fabric of society. You are supposed to be pure and sacred. You, the woman. You are that saintly being in the society that brings life to humans. So if you misbehave, act un-orderly, show an ounce of desire – desire for money, independence, things, love, sex among few, you will be punished.
In turn, the woman in order to survive, moulded herself according to the rules of this patriarchy. She knows when to act timid, she knows how to stay well behaved and she knows how to stay unnoticed. She teaches the same to her daughters and the next generation and so on. And when one raises a voice to be heard, when one rebels, when one doesn’t mould to the shape that was given to her, man creates noise. Blaming, condemnation and attack are the foundations of the abuse that take place whether it is emotional or physical. This has continuously and silently happened over the years.
And I really wonder, how did we get here? From the woman being the sanctity of the house, of the family, of the society, how does she get to become the abused instead of being revered and loved.
Simone de Beauvoir says in her book The Second Sex, ‘No one is more arrogant toward women, more aggressive or scornful than the man who is anxious about his virility.’ And this really concludes this thought for me. A woman, with all her grace, can be strong and emotional at the same time. She brings life to the earth. There is a form of creation, the cycle of reproduction that is held by only her and nature in this universe. All of these qualities, have been taken and twisted by man so that she can be constantly told she is delicate and weak. Her fragility needs to be taken care of. She needs to be handled carefully and therefore she must behave carefully. She believes this all her life, and she performs these life-tasks quietly while ensuring it all looks neat and perfect, literally and metaphorically. She doubts herself when the truth that was told to her doesn’t match how she actually feels like.
So it’s funny that a domestic violence bill gets rejected when the entire country promotes a comfortable and protected environment for women through advertisements and through the teachings of religion. And now when she speaks, exercises her rights, looks out for herself, advertises her own issues as she rightly should, I hear and read about growing violence and most importantly – open violence – violence that was never spoken of before. In this new world of social media and personal reporting, this imbalance of power is beginning to get disrupted. It is hard for a man to consider the woman an independent individual. She was meant to be in his control and he is losing his control. He behaves like a spoilt brat, not having things the way he wanted. He becomes savage. He abuses, he kills, he becomes the evil that he supposedly was protecting her from. Her honour, his honour. But, no more. This is the story of her honor being hers, and his honour being his own responsibility.
There is no doubt there are women and men working towards her independence, rights and security. Many are living that life but they are a small portion of the population. And it has been a struggle; to walk alone on the street is not safe, to carry a taser or a knife in your bag for protection is not a sign of safety. It does not reflect the position of the woman rightly, who has been put on a golden pedestal in Pakistan’s society. It is time to break that chain – to listen to the sharpness in our voices, to begin loving the curves that define us, to be unashamed by the power of creation in our bodies and to be present and thriving in this world with our unapologetic and raw beauty of all forms, shapes and voices.
And the time has arrived that the men begin to acknowledge that there is a problem – to begin with.
-N.